From a very early age I was made to feel that I was stupid. At school they would say it constantly and as they were adults I believed them. As I’ve said one teacher even said it would be easier to teach a cabbage. Other comments that stuck were your lazy and try not to act like you.

My brother was three years older than me and was very popular with the teachers. When I went to secondary school before they even got to know me or even have me in their class they made judgements that I wasn’t like my brother and he was lovely. Don’t get me wrong they were right my brother is a really great guy, but who decided I couldn’t be too. In the end I became what they expected of me without getting into too much trouble as I didn’t want my parents to think any worse of me.

So I have ended up being like a chameleon most of my life trying to fit in and ending up being what others wanted me to be as I never felt enough as just me.

Then there was men, what can I say some of my friends dads seemed to think that because I spoke to them they could come on to me and that I would be into them. One of them told a guy I was on a date with he would be alright that night as my parents put me on the pill. I was a virgin and definitely not the reason for being on the pill. I was so angry but couldn’t understand why everyone thought so poorly of me it must be true.

I babysat for a guy who i travelled to London with. He had two young children with his new wife. So i used to help out so they could go out. On my 21st birthday he took me to Annabelle’s in London for a treat. Now i thought nothing of it his wife couldn’t come as i was there babysitter he was also at least 25 years older than me. Tried to kiss me in the club…really do you have to. Then we broke down on the way home. He did get a taxi for me to go home but i had to go in and tell his wife that his car had broken down. She must have guessed something was wrong as i never babysat again.

I believe a lot of this was what lead me into a relationship that ended with me pregnant and in a violent toxic relationship. Thankfully I got out before too much damage was done and that my daughter wasn’t old enough to witness it.

I then went into another toxic relationship where he made me feel very special the most important person. Until he got me then slowly he chipped away at making me the joke. If I asked him to stop he said I needed to learn to take a joke. He then went onto have affairs and tried to convince me I was going crazy. I felt such a failure didn’t really want to admit I had got into another bad situation.